Stop Crying in Your Philz, San Francisco

Junior Niners fans eat honors students for merienda

I can't remember the last time I saw San Franciscans this disconsolate. Must have been when that cokehead guy realized he was too old to go to frat parties. Or maybe when we found out we were all going to die crazy.

It was a season to be proud of, for sure. But apparently some weren't ready to let the dreams of glory die a natural death. Some San Franciscans are rightly wondering, what now?

I'll tell you.

Everyone knows idle hands are the devil's tools. So get up off your sad-ass, you know, ass, and find a constructive way to channel your angst. Stay active. Think positive. Here are some ideas:

1. Pray for Kyle Williams. Dude could use a pep talk. Or maybe a security detail.

2. Be glad you aren't a Carolina Panthers fan. (What the fuck is Carolina, anyway? Do they suck so bad they have to share?)

3. Think about baseball. With global warming and all, it feels like it's just around the corner.

4.  Go skiing. So what if a weekend in Tahoe will set you back $2000, require 16 hours of driving and net you three runs before you retire to the lodge with a $12 toddy and a strained groin? Afterwards, you can brag to all your East Coast friends that you could go surfing and skiing in the same day, you simply choose not to.

Hi. I'm an investment banker.

5. Get an emo haircut. Seriously. Where else can grown-ups get away with this shit?

6. Have another baby. Yep. Just pop that Clomid and break out the turkey baster. Think of it as your contribution to the next generation of Niners fans.

7. Join AA. Close your eyes when they start with the sobriety stuff and substitute "Niners fandom" for drinking. You doubt? Take this test and see how sick you really are.

8. Blog about knitting. Or hating knitting.

9. Open a restaurant. (Hell, it's easier than being a Carolina Panthers fan.)

10. Pass out plastic bags to dog owners (my version of community service).

Hopefully, these suggestions will help you during this dark time. Also, there is Bar Agricole.