Welcome to Camp Mather! We at the Friends of Friends of Camp Mather know planning for Camp Mather can be overwhelming. We prepared this FAQ to help alleviate some of the anxiety in preparing for your vacation at Camp Mather.
Should I wish to have sex at Camp Mather, when and where should I do it?
We expect that our more motivated guests without prostate or perimenopause issues will experience sexual desire sometime during their stay. Given that our cabins are modeled on early 20th-century Lower East Side multi-family tenements, we recommend in-cabin sexual intercourse only after day four, between the hours of 2:00-4:00 a.m., when squirrel foraging peaks and children's exhaustion is sufficient to block out the sound of squeaking beds. In-cabin sex is advised between registered cabin partners only.*
Some of the staff are hot. Can I have sex with them?
Sexual relations with staff, some of whom are legal adults, is not recommended. In the past, Friends of Friends of Camp Mather did not issue a recommendation on guest-staff sex as we felt it was outside the purview of the Friends of Friends of Camp Mather FAQ. However, given the enormous interest in this question, Friends of Friends of Camp Mather has decided to issue a recommendation discouraging guest-staff sex, primarily due to: (a) the difficulty finding qualified applicants of all genders who look good in Daisy Dukes; and (b) the prevalence of Mather staff legacy families, some of whom own shotguns and cook your food. Guest-staff sex is not included in your registration or meal fee.
Do I have to have a dad bod to attend Camp Mather?
No, dad bod is desirable, but is not required.
Do I have to like tie-dye to attend Camp Mather?
An affinity for tie-dye is optional. However, given the prevalence of tie-dye clothing, linens and decorative embellishments at Camp Mather, guests should be aware of a slightly elevated risk of tie-dye intolerance following your stay and for 2-3 years thereafter.
I have heard there are a lot of "angry hippies" at Camp Mather. Is this true, and, if so, why are they angry?
In 2014, Angry Hippies comprised 47% of Camp Mather registrants. The drought, lack of respect for the drought, Bernie Sanders' gun control record, lack of opportunity to have sex and reduction of tie-dye offerings are some of the reasons cited for Camp Mather hippie anger.
Does the wine in the general store really suck?
Yes, it really does.
Does the beer in the general store really suck?
No, it is decent, especially after you have drunk 1-2 bottles of your own wine.
Is it true that Camp Mather parents favor a parenting style known as "free-range parenting"?
In 2013, the last time data was collected, 76% of registered guests favored free-range parenting over helicopter, tiger and intoxicated parenting paradigms. A small percentage expressed the desire to be free-range or identify as free-range without actually engaging in free-range parenting.
Is it true that guests bring decorative lighting, locks and refrigerators to Camp Mather for their one-week stay?
Some guests have brought decorative lighting, locks and refrigerators to Camp Mather. Although Friends of Friends of Camp Mather maintains a recommended packing list, no item is compulsory**. Some guests have found the price of ice at Camp Mather prohibitive and have found that mini-fridges provide better ROI for cooling alcoholic beverages and minimizing threat of in-cabin animal attack.
I have heard the general store stocks a lot of candy. Is this true?
Yes, the general store stocks a motherfucking unbelievable supply of candy, some of it so egregiously excessive in sugar count and mode of delivery (see: non-aerosol sugar spray bottle) that you will forget your children once had teeth.
Is the swim test hard?
Olympic athletes including Ryan Lochte and Natalie Coughlin have failed the Camp Mather swim test. The purpose of the test is to keep as many guests of both minor and majority age in lifejackets as possible, in the hopes that lifeguards can avoid getting their hair wet and drownings can be avoided.
My friends didn't get in, but this one guy told me he was from Pacifica. Is the Camp Mather lottery rigged?
Does anybody really attend boot camp at 7:00 a.m.?
Boot camp classes are attended by a diverse group of guests ranging from hypercompetitive dads who still "gotzit" and staff plants to anorexic Clarendon moms and fat insomniacs.
Is Camp Mather gluten-free?
No, thank God.
Why is Camp Mather so white?
Historically, white people are overrepresented at Camp Mather. Studies are ongoing into the causes of this phenomenon, but scientists suspect it is rooted in either trees or online deposits. Friends of Friends of Camp Mather's attempts to conduct outreach in communities of color have been somewhat successful.*** If you have ideas on how to make more of San Francisco's Latino, African-American and Asian families feel welcome at Camp Mather and embrace such activities as line dancing, picking their own fruit and drinking water out of reusable bottles, please share them with us by emailing MiscegenateMather@FOFOCM.org.
We at Friends of Friends of Camp Mather hope this FAQ helps you optimize your stay at Camp Mather!
-- Friends of Friends of Camp Mather
*Guest-staff sex is not recommended. Guest-staff sex is addressed in the Friends of Friends of Camp Mather FAQ. Non-registered-partner-guest-guest sex is not recommended.
**With the exception of pants.
***Demographic data includes biracial adoptees of tie-dye-wearing lesbians.